Awesome, you came back!! Thanks for visiting!

I read alot of blogs. Alot. I think there’s over 100 in my RSS reader last time I checked. Most of them I just scroll through unless something catches my eye, except for the crafty ones that have to do with family, kids and such. I’m in love with the ideal that they portray – happy little families who eat organically, spend their nights playing board games in an immaculate and organized house and mom still has time to whip out beautifully crafted projects every day.

I think it all contributes to how shitty I’ve felt about myself lately. I always thought that being a stay at home mom would the the be-all-end-all, but it’s really just a facade for hell. The day I quit my job was the day I turned into everyone’s bitch. All day long people demand things from me:

• If they’re under 1 year demands are communicated in ear-shattering, heart-wrenching squalls.
• Between 2 and 18 demands are produced in the form of nerve-grinding whines at the most inoppurtune times.
• Over 18 and demands are best disguised as guilt or worded in such as way that they make me feel like a total failure for not anticipating the demand sooner. 

I thought everything would be perfect and it’s not even close. There’s a least 10 loads of laundry stuffed on the couch that I have no intention of folding. My mom or Declan is more likely to fold it than Matt is. I’ve managed two dinners this week, burnt one and have no plans for anything tonight. Mom is wanting me to start feeding Rowan solid food but I know that just translates into more work for me because Matt has never fed Rowan once. I keep getting told that I’m not challenging Declan enough but I can barely keep the kids in dry pants and full bellies. To get time to do some sewing basically means that I put the babygate up in the kitchen and ignore everything. I’m so so slow that everything takes forever, If I rush stuff well… the quality goes down.

I have no friends, other than long distance or internet ones. I don’t know where I’m even going with this. I need a vacation, but I don’t think I could leave the kids. Nor do I want to, I just want to stop being the 24/7 mom for awhile. But there’s millions of moms in the world and they all seem to be fine. What’s wrong with me? I’m I just super lazy? Do I have to be willing to just shut my brain, hopes, wants and personality off for good (because heaven knows the older little boys get the more they demand)? What happened to Me? When did it become a requirement that I’m no longer considered a person, just because I have children? I feel like a servant and a poorly treated one at that.

Well, I’ve already sent a not so nice email to Matt so I guess I might as well post this too. I’m done wallowing, maybe.

I need to get my thyroid checked.