Runaway October

I read alot of blogs. Alot. I think there’s over 100 in my RSS reader last time I checked. Most of them I just scroll through unless something catches my eye, except for the crafty ones that have to do with family, kids and such. I’m in love with the ideal that they portray - happy little families who eat organically, spend their nights playing board games in an immaculate and organized house and mom still has time to whip out beautifully crafted projects every day.

I think it all contributes to how shitty I’ve felt about myself lately. I always thought that being a stay at home mom would the the be-all-end-all, but it’s really just a facade for hell. The day I quit my job was the day I turned into everyone’s bitch. All day long people demand things from me:

• If they’re under 1 year demands are communicated in ear-shattering, heart-wrenching squalls.
• Between 2 and 18 demands are produced in the form of nerve-grinding whines at the most inoppurtune times.
• Over 18 and demands are best disguised as guilt or worded in such as way that they make me feel like a total failure for not anticipating the demand sooner. 

I thought everything would be perfect and it’s not even close. There’s a least 10 loads of laundry stuffed on the couch that I have no intention of folding. My mom or Declan is more likely to fold it than Matt is. I’ve managed two dinners this week, burnt one and have no plans for anything tonight. Mom is wanting me to start feeding Rowan solid food but I know that just translates into more work for me because Matt has never fed Rowan once. I keep getting told that I’m not challenging Declan enough but I can barely keep the kids in dry pants and full bellies. To get time to do some sewing basically means that I put the babygate up in the kitchen and ignore everything. I’m so so slow that everything takes forever, If I rush stuff well… the quality goes down.

I have no friends, other than long distance or internet ones. I don’t know where I’m even going with this. I need a vacation, but I don’t think I could leave the kids. Nor do I want to, I just want to stop being the 24/7 mom for awhile. But there’s millions of moms in the world and they all seem to be fine. What’s wrong with me? I’m I just super lazy? Do I have to be willing to just shut my brain, hopes, wants and personality off for good (because heaven knows the older little boys get the more they demand)? What happened to Me? When did it become a requirement that I’m no longer considered a person, just because I have children? I feel like a servant and a poorly treated one at that.

Well, I’ve already sent a not so nice email to Matt so I guess I might as well post this too. I’m done wallowing, maybe.

I need to get my thyroid checked.

So this last Monday was Mother’s Day and well… I didn’t do much of anything for any of the mother’s in my life. We’ve been so broke and I have no free time. We’re talking not even a Hallmark Card. My plan was to make plaster hand prints of the boys and hand them out. Then the sickness occurred. I’m just now getting around to it. I managed all of 1.5 hand prints before running out of plaster when I was aiming for 5 total. Ugh. Somedays I feel like life wants me to go back to bed.

Matt and I had a small disagreement about his mother (because it was my fault I didn’t get her a card, I guess.). He said that he’s under the impression that I didn’t want Ann coming over ofter because the house is never clean enough for company. I was under the impression that she’d rather stay at her house and entertain. Long story short Matt invited his parent’s over for dinner this weekend. Now I have to get everything clean, look presentable and make dinner. I have no idea what to make.

Matt would like the normal run-out of his favorite fattening never-admit-you-make-it-for-your-family dinners. I’d like to do something special. Besides I picked up a couple of cookbooks from the library and have been itching to test out some new recipes.

I noticed that cherries seem to be on sale currently so I’m gonna head on down to the market and take a look. I’m thinking about making a Cherry Clafoutis. Matt’s parent’s aren’t big dessert people but I never pass up the opportunity to try something new.

I don’t even know where I was going with this. Any ideas for dinner? Maybe some barbecue?

Well, it looks like we’re pretty much in the clear. The boys are back to their old selves and thankfully the sickness didn’t require any doctors visits and whatnot. I pretty much over-reacted because the thought of vomit is distressing to me.

Thank you to everyone with your kind words of encouragement and advice. Grandma, I’m pretty sure they had some kind of Rotavirus. I never would have thought of that had you not mentioned it. (Did you get my email?) Nicky, how’s Del doing? Back to herself?

Hopefully now that all of that is taken care of I’ll have more time to actually post. Wait, I always say that. I have been working on the blog layout. If you use an RSS Feeder click on over and give it a look. Tell me what you think. The ‘Runaway October’ in the header image is driving me nuts. I’m huge on typography, as a matter of fact I lovelovelove typography. It just seems to clash up there. I have to figure our how to change it because it’s not part of the static image.

In other news we made our first sale from our bookstore! Yay! One of you kind readers was… kind, I already said that, nice enough to use our link and we made a little bit of change on it. If you haven’t seen our bookstore check it out here.

Since Friday Declan has had what we thought was food poisoning. That in and of it self is just a nasty stressful time. I think I’ve scrubbed vomit/poop out of the carpet at least 6 times. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don’t do vomit. Period.

Unfortunately it seems that it’s not food poisoning because now the littlest guy is running a huge fever and had a blowout in bed last night - on my side. This is the baby that poops once every week to two weeks. Poor guy.  All he wants to do is sleep on me and all I want is to not have a personal heater while it’s 100 degrees outside. It’s got to be some kind of stomach bug.

Just think about us and hope we come through this soon.

I can’t say that I’m not a fan, because I’m not even sure if I’ve heard any of her music. But I came across an interview of her and I have to say I’m a fan now even if I haven’t heard her music.

When asked how motherhood has changed how she views the world:

"Being a mom seems to have changed the way the world sees me more than the other way around. Being pregnant really shifts your relationship to society, and then walking around with a baby shifts it again. I love the feeling that I get from other parents — women in particular — of being a part of the club. Club Sacrifice, you might call it. It’s cool to have camaraderie, warmth, and openness with strangers. I wish that dynamic was more prevalent in general, but I am grateful to have it now."

When asked if she would have a homebirth again:

"I would definitely choose a homebirth again despite the fear mongering of this patriarchal society, which convinces women that they are incapable of having babies without the intervention of men and their machines. I look at societies where women are marginalized and oppressed their whole lives (even covered head to toe in tarps!) but are still in control of birthing practice, in a whole new way now. I mean, who is really more advanced? To take birthing out of women’s hands and deny us the continuum of eons of wisdom and experience is to eject us from the very seat of our power. I believe that women in hospitals are prevented from being able to have normal, healthy birthing experiences because of the intimidation of being on the clock, being pressured to take drugs to make it quicker, being inhibited in their movement and activities, and alienated by a sterile, fluorescent lit, feet-in-the-air type environment. You know the classic “performance anxiety” of not being able to pee or poo because somebody’s watching you? Multiply that by a million! A cervix is a sphincter after all! Then to add tragic insult to injury women are numbed through their great moment of revelation. I believe the act of giving birth to be the single most miraculous thing a human being can do and it is surely the moment when a lot of women finally understand the depth of their power and connection to all of nature. You think it can’t possibly be done, you think you can’t possibly take the pain, and then you do — and afterward you look at yourself in a whole new way. If you can do that, you can do anything. Check out the books on this subject by Ina May Gaskin. She’s one of my great heroes. P.S. I was in labor for 43 hours. Pushed for five hours. It was brutal and scary and prolonged, and if I was in a hospital, they would have definitely cut the baby out of me. I thank the goddesses that I was at home with patient midwives who knew how to go the distance. The memory of pain always recedes. The memory of triumph does not."

I just love that last quote. So true.

I’m not gonna get on my high horse or anything, but I really wish that more women would think about birth choices and the effect that it has on every single person in this society. Too often do I talk to mothers who don’t even know that there are choices. Life in America is all about the choices ladies! Please ask what they are.

Via [Celebrity Baby Blog]